everyone's favourite free newspaper had an article a while ago that said you save about 2 minutes by walking through the flashing red man traffic lights instead of waiting for green, when quickly dashing from fed square to melbourne central.
they didn't tell you he would KICK YO ASS if you do.
directed by joeri holsheimer @ czarevich amsterdam and production by hans loosman @ valkieser amsterdam.
31 August, 2007
Superman, Spiderman and a whole bunch of crack.
I'm not going to sit here and try to explain why Spiderman can apparently fly, nor defend the quality of the crappy costumes. But good god, if i ever become a super hero, you can bet I'll be suffering from fits of squalid choreography every damn day.
29 August, 2007
million dollar day
at risk of this fast turning into a food blog, i still feel compelled to present to you
How to Spend A Million Dollars On Food in a Single Day
i think our idea of placing ecstasy tablets in pepper-grinders may also boost this total a little....
How to Spend A Million Dollars On Food in a Single Day
i think our idea of placing ecstasy tablets in pepper-grinders may also boost this total a little....
the facts of life
if you're not a regular peruser of the new york times i can strongly suggest heading over to bugmenot and picking up a free password (i'm a lazy and poor man. you should be too), so as to permit access to their wide variety of generally above par articles.
you have to work for superlatives from me.
one that particularly entertained me of late was this appraisal of the mathematic logic behind the fairly non-controversial assumption that men have more sex than women.
all of us are lying to researchers about sex. and i think that is pretty awesome. a better conversation piece i can barely imagine... and while we're talking about sex, this is the EU's attempt to promote how awesome the sex in their films is. because they didn't already have a reputation.
you have to work for superlatives from me.
one that particularly entertained me of late was this appraisal of the mathematic logic behind the fairly non-controversial assumption that men have more sex than women.
In study after study and in country after country, men report more, often many more, sexual partners than women.
One survey, recently reported by the federal government, concluded that men had a median of seven female sex partners. Women had a median of four male sex partners. Another study, by British researchers, stated that men had 12.7 heterosexual partners in their lifetimes and women had 6.5.
But there is just one problem, mathematicians say. It is logically impossible for heterosexual men to have more partners on average than heterosexual women. Those survey results cannot be correct.
all of us are lying to researchers about sex. and i think that is pretty awesome. a better conversation piece i can barely imagine... and while we're talking about sex, this is the EU's attempt to promote how awesome the sex in their films is. because they didn't already have a reputation.
28 August, 2007
feed the head

back during exams i wasted a lot of time on feed the head
now seems an apt time to share my spoils. speaking of spoils....
Britney Strikes Back.
Hey hey, everyone. Shhhh... Calm yourselves, daddy's here.
Back from the brink of the fattest level of hell, Britney is ready to spew more turgid idiocy into our collective consciousness. Here are the lyrics to Britney's new "track". As you can see, she's crawled her way out of the musical sphincter she's been drowning in of late, and emerged a butterfly of songwriting saavy and verve. I really feel that she's addressing some important issues here, but i'll let you make up your own mind.
Looking for that someone
And everyday, I sit and kneel and pray
Oh, sweet love, can I get some?
So why do you desert me, baby boy?
I need your love right now!
And if you desert me, baby boy
Don't you leave me in your crowd
(Talking)Hey baby, what time you gonna get home?
Oh, really? Alright, well, I'll see you later, then
Oh, wait
Would you mind getting some…
Yeah, when you come home
Yeah, that's it
I love you too
Bye
(Singing)Some day when you see my face
You will think that you have won
And some day when it's all away
Our love just begun
So why did you desert me, baby boy?
I thought that you, you were the one
So if you preferred the other one
She won't bring you the sun.
...sweet merciful crap. Didn't that just give your brain an erection?
Back from the brink of the fattest level of hell, Britney is ready to spew more turgid idiocy into our collective consciousness. Here are the lyrics to Britney's new "track". As you can see, she's crawled her way out of the musical sphincter she's been drowning in of late, and emerged a butterfly of songwriting saavy and verve. I really feel that she's addressing some important issues here, but i'll let you make up your own mind.
Looking for that someone
And everyday, I sit and kneel and pray
Oh, sweet love, can I get some?
So why do you desert me, baby boy?
I need your love right now!
And if you desert me, baby boy
Don't you leave me in your crowd
(Talking)Hey baby, what time you gonna get home?
Oh, really? Alright, well, I'll see you later, then
Oh, wait
Would you mind getting some…
Yeah, when you come home
Yeah, that's it
I love you too
Bye
(Singing)Some day when you see my face
You will think that you have won
And some day when it's all away
Our love just begun
So why did you desert me, baby boy?
I thought that you, you were the one
So if you preferred the other one
She won't bring you the sun.
...sweet merciful crap. Didn't that just give your brain an erection?
Miss South Carolina is a dumb bitch.
Hola! It is i, the lesser known, taller and handsomer one of the four horsemen. The tall brooding one with all the ladies trailing in my wake, like bits of paper following some guy on a horse.
King. Of. Words.
Anyway, here is a recent vid of Miss Carolina being a dumb bitch. I thought hard about a clever way to wend my way around the words "dumb bitch", but decided you kids were too clever and would see right through it. See? I'm also the honest one.
NB: I'd totally never hit that.
King. Of. Words.
Anyway, here is a recent vid of Miss Carolina being a dumb bitch. I thought hard about a clever way to wend my way around the words "dumb bitch", but decided you kids were too clever and would see right through it. See? I'm also the honest one.
NB: I'd totally never hit that.
27 August, 2007
i just really, really wanted to know what it looked like
can you believe that after 15 minutes of hunting the internet for images of 'geriatric bodybuilders', this is the best i could find?

i know. i'm shocked too. although, it does kinda resemble the time that i went searching for female sumo wrestlers, and came across this:
yes sir, if there is hope in the world, we can definitely find it in the beautiful landscape of knowledge exchange that is the internet.

i know. i'm shocked too. although, it does kinda resemble the time that i went searching for female sumo wrestlers, and came across this:
yes sir, if there is hope in the world, we can definitely find it in the beautiful landscape of knowledge exchange that is the internet.
what i did on youtube this morning....

so i spent this morning watching a lot of the cartoons on youtube
26 August, 2007
google picnic
i want to go to a google picnic. when i have my own company every 'team bonding'-style event is going to be catered like this.


wow. a post about seasoning, and now this. i must be hungry.


25 August, 2007
NMKY
there are those moments in life, when you find yourself home alone on a friday night, disconnected from the world, staring at the dim illumination of your computer screen and wondering what exactly it is that you do, in fact, have to live for. all is dark, and hope seems but a distant romance from a long forgotten age. the ice age. possibly even earlier. maybe something with dinosaurs. either way, it's probably safe to say mammals were a few pegs down the food chain... so there you are, lost in the seething discontent of this dinosaur-infested emotional wilderness, casting about for a trace of meaning, a skerrick of inspiration. and just when you're finally on the verge of giving up and reaching for the spud gun (hey, if you're going to die, you may as well do it in style) BAM! youtube intervenes.
it's a glorious time to be alive. and finnish.
it's a glorious time to be alive. and finnish.
24 August, 2007
23 August, 2007
they're coming
well, holy mother of god, the chemical brothers are coming back. march 5 at the vodafone arena. this, i assure you, is call for no small measure of excitement. because prior to this point i've managed to skilfully avoid every live show they've put on in my vicinity. but not this time. this time i'll be hauled off stage by security as i frantically try and hug ed during the sunshine underground. it shall be memorable.
star guitar from glastonbury. are you aquiver? i know i am.
star guitar from glastonbury. are you aquiver? i know i am.
22 August, 2007
best birthday message ever
I can't decide whether this kid is petrified of the camera or the hugging elmo behind him....
fame is a fickle beast

so, there you are, merrily prancing away in the background of a mid-range pop video, when you are plucked from obscurity by the libidinous excesses of the pop queen in question. a torrid love affair, brief marriage, briefer hip-hop career and two children later and you're a search engine. wait, what's that you say luke? a search engine? yes, that's right. immortality can now be guaranteed for the fleeting famous via your new incarnation as a search engine. because, why would anyone use a regular, exhaustive search engine, when they could be touring the web under the watchful gaze of search with kevin, which surely ranks amongst the most uninspiring concepts of all time. bottoming out somewhere alongside syphilitic plague. for me, fun searching generally involves the easter bunny and a fuckload of chocolate, or the possibility of finding a body in a swamp. searching with kevin, on the other hand, involves the possibility that you may be made one of his top 8 myspace friends. and boy, you would rule the school with that. ain't nobody gonna fuck with k-fed's homies.
[via hypocritical mass]
21 August, 2007
tuscan seasoning

lately we have been enjoying tuscan seasoning on pretty much everything. the stuff is more addictive than crack. luke licked it off his palms the other night. i have just realised there is a "jar" option in addition to the "shaker" option, as shown above. where can we mail order a jar of this from?
20 August, 2007
camel
in one of the more bizarre news stories to come out of brisvegas...
personally, i was suprised that the camel had not previously been properly restrained after it "[attempted] to smother the family's pet goat on numerous occasions by sitting on it." i mean, come on. WARNING SIGNS PEOPLE!
I decided it may be in poor taste....
A PET camel that killed a 60-year-old woman in a bizarre attack in Queensland's outback had been given to her as a birthday present from her family.
The 10-month-old animal knocked the woman to the ground, stomped on her head and then lay on top of her yesterday at her sheep and cattle property near Mitchell, about 600km west of Brisbane.
[news.com.au]
personally, i was suprised that the camel had not previously been properly restrained after it "[attempted] to smother the family's pet goat on numerous occasions by sitting on it." i mean, come on. WARNING SIGNS PEOPLE!
of even more intrigue is the quote from queensland police detective senior constable craig gregory conveniently left out of the above article, but was included in this BBC report
I'd say it's probably been playing, or it may be even a sexual sort of thing
the only question left for me after my extensive research on this story, is whether I should make a joke about the woman being humped by a camel?
I decided it may be in poor taste....
my kind of death
now, i'm not entirely sure exactly why i glean such pleasure from this. schadenfreude? or maybe the fact that the gecko is called Helmut...
that would be one nutty eulogy...
A MAN who lived in his own “zoo” of lizards and insects was fatally bitten by a pet black widow spider — then eaten by the other creepy-crawlies.
Police broke in to Mark Voegel’s apartment to find spider Bettina along with 200 others, several snakes, a gecko lizard called Helmut and several thousand termites had gorged on his body.
[planetsave]
that would be one nutty eulogy...
19 August, 2007
progressive politics
ah, those were tumultuous years. it seems even batman was caught off guard... he should have just stuck with robin.
whimsy #1
Here's a pretty interesting thing.
I was weeding the garden today and i found a used bullet. This doesn't exactly placate my fears that the house i live in used to be brimming with disrepute; a few months ago this exchange took place:
2pm, Saturday.
Policeman 1: ...So where is he now?
Tully: Well he left the house and went off into the park, and last time i saw him he'd gone around the corner.
Policeman 2: Could i grab one of your names?
Tully: Yeah. Tully... Hansen.
Policeman 1: So, he LEFT your house?
Tully: About a minute before you guys arrived. Then we ran outside.
Paul: Yeah. He came in about a half hour ago, knocked, then walked past me and into the... the kitchen?
Tully: Yeah, out the back, we just assumed he was a neighbours kid.
Paul: I thought he'd lost his ball or something. Then he came back into the corridor, turned the light on and opened the door under the stairs...
Tully: He turned the light on?
Paul: Yeah, he turned it on, then opened the door, then shut it, then he ran on up the stairs. He was looking around but i don't think he knew where he was.
Tully: Nina and i went up after him, he went into a few rooms, then came back downstairs and went into another room.
Paul: He was scowling and making animal noises and he locked himself in there, then later he just came out and left the house.
Policeman 1: And this was just before we arrived?
Tully: Yeah.
Policeman 1: How strange.
Paul: I think he wasn't... right. He really didn't know what was going on.
Policeman 1: And how big was he?
Tully: Oh, about... (gestures)
Paul: About ten, i'd say.
Policeman 1: ...ten? Weird.
Tully: He was wearing a Carlton singlet.
Policeman 1: Oh, ok.
Paul: He was about ten, longish hair, no shoes. I figured maybe his parents let him wander off from the game over at the MCG.
Tully: I thought he was homeless, maybe.
Policeman 1: Well... that's weird. We'll go look for him, i'm sure he's close by.
Policeman 2: Thanks.
Tully: It was just really odd.
Policeman 1: I understand, yeah. You guys have been here for about six months, yeah?
Paul: Yeah, about that.
Tully: Why?
Policeman 1: Well we have a bit of a story about the house, thats all.
Tully: Oh, thats... ok.
Policeman 1: Well we did an eviction on the previous tennants. Yeah, we had to come by and do the eviction, they weren't paying rent or whatever. But guess who came along to collect a debt from them on the day of the actual eviction?
Paul: Who?
Policeman 1: Chopper Read. He came and the guy didn't have any money, but he collected wine so Chopper left with crates of red.
Paul: Jesus.
If any of my friends find me hanging from hooks in he attic, just chalk it up to the general sketchiness of this particular piece of real estate. Is it possible that i'm typing this atop an indian burial ground? Anyone see Poltergeist? With that girl and the television?
...eh, you're too young.
I was weeding the garden today and i found a used bullet. This doesn't exactly placate my fears that the house i live in used to be brimming with disrepute; a few months ago this exchange took place:
2pm, Saturday.
Policeman 1: ...So where is he now?
Tully: Well he left the house and went off into the park, and last time i saw him he'd gone around the corner.
Policeman 2: Could i grab one of your names?
Tully: Yeah. Tully... Hansen.
Policeman 1: So, he LEFT your house?
Tully: About a minute before you guys arrived. Then we ran outside.
Paul: Yeah. He came in about a half hour ago, knocked, then walked past me and into the... the kitchen?
Tully: Yeah, out the back, we just assumed he was a neighbours kid.
Paul: I thought he'd lost his ball or something. Then he came back into the corridor, turned the light on and opened the door under the stairs...
Tully: He turned the light on?
Paul: Yeah, he turned it on, then opened the door, then shut it, then he ran on up the stairs. He was looking around but i don't think he knew where he was.
Tully: Nina and i went up after him, he went into a few rooms, then came back downstairs and went into another room.
Paul: He was scowling and making animal noises and he locked himself in there, then later he just came out and left the house.
Policeman 1: And this was just before we arrived?
Tully: Yeah.
Policeman 1: How strange.
Paul: I think he wasn't... right. He really didn't know what was going on.
Policeman 1: And how big was he?
Tully: Oh, about... (gestures)
Paul: About ten, i'd say.
Policeman 1: ...ten? Weird.
Tully: He was wearing a Carlton singlet.
Policeman 1: Oh, ok.
Paul: He was about ten, longish hair, no shoes. I figured maybe his parents let him wander off from the game over at the MCG.
Tully: I thought he was homeless, maybe.
Policeman 1: Well... that's weird. We'll go look for him, i'm sure he's close by.
Policeman 2: Thanks.
Tully: It was just really odd.
Policeman 1: I understand, yeah. You guys have been here for about six months, yeah?
Paul: Yeah, about that.
Tully: Why?
Policeman 1: Well we have a bit of a story about the house, thats all.
Tully: Oh, thats... ok.
Policeman 1: Well we did an eviction on the previous tennants. Yeah, we had to come by and do the eviction, they weren't paying rent or whatever. But guess who came along to collect a debt from them on the day of the actual eviction?
Paul: Who?
Policeman 1: Chopper Read. He came and the guy didn't have any money, but he collected wine so Chopper left with crates of red.
Paul: Jesus.
If any of my friends find me hanging from hooks in he attic, just chalk it up to the general sketchiness of this particular piece of real estate. Is it possible that i'm typing this atop an indian burial ground? Anyone see Poltergeist? With that girl and the television?
...eh, you're too young.
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